The End

Technically, this blog was set to chronicle "the next three years as I attempt to get a J.D." Well, I got the J.D. in May and by that time I had learned that having the J.D. isn't really the end of law school. For that reason, I gave this blog an extension on life as I went through the bar examination process.

I did not write any while studying for the bar exam because there was nothing about bar exam studying that I wanted to remember. It was, easily, the worst exam that I have ever had to study for. Everyone I knew seemed to think that it would be no problem for me, but that did not make me feel any better because, at least with regard to law school, I have severe impostor syndrome. People said that it would change me and the way that I thought, but I don't feel any different today from how I did before I started three years ago. I know more words to describe legal things, perhaps, but I never felt "transformed" or like I was suddenly a "lawyer."

With that in mind, as I was going through the bar review process I constantly compared myself to others who were preparing for the test.

You use flashcards? I don't use flashcards. I bet flashcards are the secret. I'm going to fail.  

You got a 6 on your first bar review graded essay? I only got a 3. I'm going to fail.

Oh, you took the bar and failed it? But you're very smart. I'm going to fail.

Part of this great self-doubt was due to the odd way that the bar is presented. On the one hand, there is this narrative:

The bar is nothing more than a gigantic hazing ritual. You will pass it just so long as you stay calm and don't panic. It is a test of minimal competency. All you have to do is get a "D-". So long as you study and take it semi-seriously, you have nothing to worry about.

On the other hand, there is this narrative:

The bar is an arbitrary measure of nothing that has anything to do with being a lawyer. You will not be able to memorize everything and you will not be able to predict the questions asked. Lots of very smart people have failed the bar exam. 30% or more people in your jurisdiction will fail the bar exam. You must memorize every single rule that belongs to every single law in your jurisdiction and be able to regurgitate it in flawless paragraph form. Otherwise, you will fail. 

After the first day of the bar exam in Baltimore, there were two essay questions (out of ten) that I just had never even thought about before. There were maybe two that I felt really comfortable with, and the other six could have gone either way depending on whether I missed something important. After the second day of the bar exam, there were maybe 50 questions that I knew I got right and another 150 that could have gone either way. So while I walked out feeling like I hadn't necessarily failed, I also didn't feel extraordinarily confident.

I managed to stay mostly calm until the week before results came out, at which point my brain rebelled against me and decided I should stay up until 3AM thinking about the prospect of studying for the bar for three months all over again. On Friday, the day that results were supposed to come out, there was no end to the internal monologue that told me I had no idea what I was doing on the bar exam and I basically made up all of my answers and that since everyone I know passed the bar exam then statistically I must be the person destined to fail because that's how statistics work when you are self-sabotaging.

Anyway, all of that is to say that I didn't fail. I passed. And, after getting half of my score back (if you pass you only get your multiple choice score- not your essay score) it seems very likely that I drastically over-prepared for the bar and passed with a very comfortable margin.

So that's it. I have to attend a swearing-in ceremony and go to a required professionalism course, and then I get to actually say that I am licensed to practice law.

As the original purpose for this blog no longer applies, it is now retired. Kelsey and I are still working on concepts for our joint blog, but it will be at http://kelsandmike.blogspot.com/ whenever we do start writing it. Thanks for reading!

The Post-Beach Post-Engagement Post-Lawschool Post-Study Post-Bar Post

Kelsey very helpfully pointed out that it has been about three months since my last update. She has been covering most of the basics of what we've been up to in her blog, so my update will mostly add to her coverage. I'm going to entirely skip over studying for the bar because it's something I would prefer to never do again (keeping my fingers crossed) and also to never think about again.

So let's talk about nice things, like getting engaged. First, some background information.

The night that I met Kelsey was December 30, 2011. David Husband was visiting, and we were supposed to meet up with someone who got a stomach bug and canceled last minute. About ten seconds later, I got a text from one of my W&M friends saying that we should come join them at a bar where they serve liquor out of old ketchup bottles. Had David not been there I probably would have declined, but I felt the need to be a good host while he was in the city.

When we arrived at the bar I saw tons of W&M people I knew- people from my business program, from my freshman hall, from my musical, from Shakespeare in the Dark- and one person I didn't know. She was wearing a sparkly headband and somehow seemed to be best friends with all of these W&M people I had known for five or six years. I was curious as to how this was possible. 

David started talking to her, and I saw my opportunity to throw him under the bus so as to make myself seem more likable in comparison. That's the way he would tell the story, at least. Kelsey noticed that we were wearing the same style of jacket, so I guess that was fate. There were lots of things to talk about, because she was unfamiliar with the city and was very honest about what she didn't know. I generally try to convince people that I know everything, so it was fascinating to talk with someone who took the opposite approach.

Throughout the night, my friends kept coming up to me and saying things like "Kelsey is a great person." "Did you know that Kelsey had these five things in common with you?" And finally, "we would be okay with it if you wanted to ask Kelsey on a date or something." I don't generally hang out with subtle people. Anyway, at some point Kelsey semi-invited us to a New Year's Eve gathering the following night that was happening at the house of one of my very first roommates ever, Jake Reeder. This was a fine excuse to see her again while being able to tell other people that I would be hanging out with my old roommate. She left and I did not get her number because I knew that everyone she was with had my number, but apparently this was my first misstep in our relationship and I will never be permitted to forget that I didn't ask for her number.

Regardless, she got my number from one of my friends (as I knew she could the entire time) and David and I went to the party the next night (following our own New Year's Eve party with other WM friends). It was awkward at first, because we walked in right as that group began giving each other secret santa gifts replete with inside jokes, but everyone was very friendly except for Kelsey. Kelsey wouldn't even look at me. Later, I found out this was what she does when she likes someone and is nervous, but at the time I thought that I had made a huge mistake. Over the course of the evening, our friends maneuvered us next to each other and then found convenient excuses to exit the conversation. Not subtle. We ended up talking until around 5AM, and everyone who kept checking in on us seemed very pleased. When the sun was about to come back up, I figured that I had kept David there long enough and we walked back to my dorm.

Over the next few days Kelsey and I talked online or on the phone and tried to come up with all of the reasons that we should not date one another. Neither of us actually wanted a relationship, both of us were in the middle of graduate school, and the prospect of a long distance relationship just sounded terrible. So of course we decided that we should give it a shot because we are very rebellious. It turned out to be a very good decision.

Since I knew that we would be going all sorts of places with the Navy (hopefully), I proposed at the beach- a place we will hopefully be able to get to at least once a year or so. For the next few years we're excited to be tentatively staying in DC so that we can experience the city outside of grad school. Our next step is figuring out a good name for our joint blog, which will replace both this blog and Kelsey's blog. Suggestions are welcome.

Helicopter Apology Accepted

A few weeks ago I got a random e-mail asking if I, as a new JAG selectee, would like to be a special guest of the Navy for the opening of Fleet Week in NYC. Obviously the answer was yes. Ben was invited too, and we had the brilliant idea to leave DC at 10PM on an overnight bus and then come back the next evening so that we wouldn't have to worry about lodging.

Our bus broke down at 1AM in the middle of nowhere so we thought we would miss our 5AM arrival time, but a new bus was sent in a shockingly quick time and we arrived at our meeting point, Pier 6, at 4:30. 

And there was a beautiful sunrise.

Oh, and Pier 6 isn't a port for ships. It's a heliport. 

Because the Navy has helicopters too.

Nicer picture of the sunrise and a helicopter arriving taken by one of my fellow JAG selects.

There were five of us there in the JAG student program. One had already gone through ODS AND had a similar experience being medically disqualified multiple times so it was great to be able to bond over shared frustrations.

But then for some reason I completely forgot about the time it took to get into JAG.

We were strapped in, so they left the door open so that we would have a nice view and also be terrified.

After an amazing thirty minutes or so, we saw our ship.

Just for fun, the helicopter took us right next to the ship and then got within five feet of the water to scare us. 

It was a very smooth landing.

The JAG crew.

After a tour around the ship by a couple of current JAG Officers and some coffee, we went up to watch the crew man the rails for the ride into the harbor. 

They all did this for three hours. It was very impressive.

Any picture that is of good quality- I did not take that picture.

There were excellent views the entire time.

And in the middle of the trip, Adam Baldwin, one of the actual VIPs and an actor who was in one of my favorite shows, came over to introduce himself and thank us all for our future service as JAGs. So, pretty much the best day ever.

No, Jayne Cobb, thank YOU.

When we pulled up to port there was a Navy band playing traditional Sousa tunes and everything continued to be awesome. We said goodbye to our wonderful JAG hosts and most of us went as a group to a hamburger place. Afterwards, Ben and I wandered around the city and went to the library. We got on our bus around six and were back in DC by eleven. Then we slept forever because we had been awake for forty hours.

Today I did some bar study and then Ben and I went to a thing called Trapped in a Room with a Zombie, which is a group-adventure-puzzle-game in which twelve strangers are trapped in a room with a zombie and must solve puzzles in order to find a key to the room. According to their statistics, 22% of groups make it out alive. We were all out within 37 minutes and set a new national record for fastest time. The previous DC record was 41 minutes. I didn't have much to do with it, but I learned that Ben is crazy good at solving puzzles. 

Now time for more bar study! 

Ensign Johnson, J.D.

As of today I am technically a law school graduate and also technically an Ensign in the United States Navy. I say "technically" because I still have to pass the bar exam for my law school graduation to be worth anything and because I am in the most inactive of the inactive reserves until I go to Officer Development School in November. It just doesn't feel like all that much has changed. I know it has, of course, and I have pictures to prove it.

See? Ben and I took a selfie at graduation.

And I got a picture with the person who had to suffer through 

law school as much or more than I did. Very important.

My commissioning ceremony happened on Friday, and the weather forecast was bleak. Monsoon bleak. Flash flooding bleak. 100% chance of thunderstorm during the time of the ceremony bleak. Good thing this has been the year of ignoring when people say there is a 100% chance of anything.

Because it turned out very nice and we were the only people there.

I chose the Jefferson Memorial because of my connection to Jefferson through William and Mary and Woodberry, and also because there are some great legal quotes inscribed on the walls, and also because it is one of the prettier memorial locations. My original idea was to commission next to the Apollo 11 command module in the Air and Space Museum, but that had absolutely no connection to either me or to the Navy or to law and so I thought better of it. It would have been cool, but less meaningful.

Kelsey arranged for a co-worker of hers to come and take some pictures of the ceremony.

She got some especially good pictures of us posing for other pictures.

It was a bit windy.

Good shot of TJ's shadow looming in the background as Papa Buck has me recite the oath.

As far as I can tell, this is technically the moment that I legally became an officer.

The whole group (minus Papa Buck who was in the bathroom)

All in all, a very special weekend with perfect weather and excellent family time. Thank you to everyone who helped get me here- you know who you are. 

The End of an Era

Law school ended, not with a bang, but with an eight hour take-home exam finished yesterday around 3PM. I spent my final minutes officially in "law school" writing about due process, which I suppose is fitting. At some points during the exam it was difficult to keep going- not because the subject was difficult or because I didn't want to end my law school experience- but because I was taking the class pass/fail and and I kept thinking "well I've certainly PASSED by now."

So that's that. That was a fast three years. I'm sure it will seem like an equally long amount of time between now and my bar exam. My bar exam prep company helpfully emailed me just minutes after I had finished my final exam to let me know that "directed self-study mode" was now active. Super.

This week is all a wind-down. Lots of potlucks and dinners and receptions and exit-counseling and such. Next Friday I will be commissioning as a Navy JAG (though I won't actually go to officer school until November because of how the bar result release schedule works). I'm really looking forward to that, because I still don't feel like that whole thing is real and perhaps actually commissioning will help. I didn't know that this would be an option, but apparently active officer OR any officer in any branch of service who has retired with more than 20 years of service is able to commission me, and so I'm very excited that Papa Buck has agreed to give me the oath.

I imagine that at some point, perhaps after I finish the bar, which most certainly qualifies as being part of the buzz saw, I will start a new blog and consider this one completed.

All in all, law school- not that hard in retrospect and without any prospect of having to do it again.

Timeline

There have been many times in the past when I have sat down to write a post and then, mid-post, something has happened that created a bigger story that needed to play out before I could write anything. It's sort of like Lost or most formulaic single-plot shows that last beyond one season. You know- you start with "we've got to get off the island and not let nature kill us!" and then suddenly "there are other people on the island who want to kill us!" and then "there's a conspiracy bigger than the other people and THOSE people want to kill us!" etc.... There's always something bigger just around the corner that is teased in the final few seconds of each episode. So that's why I haven't blogged about certain things in a while- the story kept changing too quickly.

Though I have kept track of much of my fun experience in attempting to become a JAG, I haven't posted everything. For my future reference, I decided to make a timeline:

July 15, 2013:
I go to MEPS (military entrance processing station). Fail hearing test. Am told to get a waiver and there will be no problem whatsoever.

August 12, 2013:
Waiver denied. Am told there are no waivers for hearing being granted. Am told this is pretty much the end of the line.

August 20, 2013:
Request to retake hearing test denied. Am told this is pretty much the end of the line.

October 14, 2013:
Earliest appointment I could get with an ENT in the city. ENT thinks I could probably pass the test if given another chance and writes a letter to the Navy.

December 18, 2013:
Request to retake hearing test denied. Am told this is pretty much the end of the line. Also, my original recruiter is transferring and I get a new recruiter.

December 31, 2013:
Ear surgery. Tiny bones are superglued together.

February 24, 2014:
I find out the ear surgery actually improved my hearing by about 10 decibels in the appropriate range.

March 5, 2014:
New waiver consideration package sent in with results from surgery.

March 11, 2014:
I receive an e-mail telling me that my new waiver was denied because I failed the hearing test. Am told this is absolutely the end of the line.

March 11, 2014:
I question why my having failed the hearing test previously would result in a denial following a surgery to correct the hearing.

March 11, 2014:
I am told that I failed the hearing test twice and that's why I can't take it again. Am told my only resort is to complain to my congressman.

March 11, 2014:
I respond that I am aware I took the hearing test twice because both tests were done on the same day. I ask whether it is official policy that having ever failed a test means you can never take that test again even if the underlying condition is corrected. I point out that I am asking because such information goes against everything anyone in the Navy has ever told me, ever.

March 11, 2014:
A new recruiter calls me and says he is taking over my case. Also, my original recruiter comes back and starts working with me again.

March 12, 2014:
The hospital says they will mail me my records.

March 19, 2014:
The hospital apologizes for having said they will mail me my records without actually mailing me my records. They say they will mail me my records.

March 24, 2014:
I go to the hospital. I take my records. The hospital apologizes for having told me that they would mail me my records twice and then losing all my paperwork. They helpfully point out that I have a very common name and that my paperwork would be easy to misfile.

March 25, 2014:
The appropriate paperwork is sent for another waiver.

April 10, 2014:
I receive my files from the hospital along with a bill for $11.04 for copying fees. I write them a message that includes the phrase "reasonable reliance." They apologize and waive the fee.

April 11, 2014:
I am told to go back to MEPS for another hearing test.

April 16, 2014 (5AM-11AM):
I go back to MEPS. As always, the Navy covered my hotel room and food. What they may not have covered was the communication between the people who told me to go back to MEPS and the people at MEPS, because when I was finally called in to do the test the doctor (who was the same doctor who saw me a year ago) was very confused as to why I was back there. He said that I needed a waiver for the surgery before I could retake the hearing test. I started to explain that someone at MEPS had authorized my return because I had a letter from them saying as much, and he told me to stop acting like a lawyer. While he was trying to sort out what to do with me, another doctor told me to go take the hearing test, so I went ahead and did that and passed the test.

After passing the test, I went to turn in that paperwork in order to apply for a waiver for my surgery. I expected this process to take a minimum of three weeks, as usual.

April 16, 2014 (3PM):
I make it back to DC and am on my way to give Kelsey her car back and go to a class. My recruiter calls and tells me that my waiver has gone through (in record time- I imagine someone sitting in the waiver office just saw my name one too many times and said "not him again!"). So - I now have hearing within range and the surgery that I got in order to get my hearing in range has been given a seal of semi-approval.

April 17-18, 2014:
I turn in what should be the last of my paperwork to an officer in DC. This brings the my total number of recruiters/processors/people assigned to my case to something like eight. Well, the more the merrier.

At this point I am just waiting for the paperwork to process and, according to everyone, I am back on for Navy JAG and should be able to commission whenever all of that paperwork comes back. I was going to delay posting this until that actually happens, since I am now very wary about counting chickens before they hatch, but since Kels posted a new blog mentioning it, I figured I had to put something out there.

Just two exams stand between me and an entire summer of preparing for another giant exam. And then maybe after that I will have the job that I thought I had a year ago and then was certain that I had lost up until a week ago. Yay!

Today is My Last Day of Class in Law School

Which would be a lot more celebratory (like it was at W&M) if I didn't have exams. Ah well, yay anyway. I'm going to be breaking up exam time with a lot of fun theater and concert experiences- Ben Folds, Henry IV Part 2 (saw Part 1 yesterday and it was great), Frozen (the singalong version), an orchestra concert at GW, Children of Eden at the Kennedy Center, escaping a zombie in a room with Ben... I didn't actually plan all of these out to happen at the same time, but I don't mind that it happened this way.

Emily Goo's Epic Birthday of Epicness

In what will be a total surprise to no one, Emily Goo's birthday weekend in NYC was every bit as Goo-ish as possible. Yes, everyone wore suits- even the ladies. Yes, we all posed for pictures with obnoxiously large cigars (just for holding, not for smoking). Yes, we ate at a restaurant in which the only possible orders were "more meat" or "no more meat." No, there was not as much sleeping as any normal person might need. 

Trevor and Meg were very kind and allowed me, Kelsey, and Josh to stay with them in Hoboken on Friday night. I had no idea it was so easy to get from Hoboken to NYC- fifteen minutes flat to 33rd street in Manhattan. We had a more difficult time figuring out the correct way to get to Hoboken from Newark- the short conclusion of that story is that we have several brand new one-way tickets from Newark to Hoboken if anyone... you know... wants them.

Brunch by the river. Shortly after this picture was taken we sprinted to the PATH station to take a train into NYC and barely made it on time for a matinee of Phantom- one of my birthday gifts. The guy playing the phantom was an understudy and missed a few lines but still was the best phantom acting-wise out of the four or so that I have seen.

Free cupcakes on Easter Saturday

 Aaand we're back (on the Dupont metro escalator).

My Disney Post Additions

You may have seen Kelsey's comprehensive and extensive Disney post. I also worked on that one. But I wanted to take a moment on my own blog to tell the story of a brave little girl at Disney who conquered her fears and learned an important lesson about doing things that scare you. 

This is the little girl. See her sitting in Eeyore's hut? Very sad.

She didn't want to go on the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, but she went anyway. And she screamed her head off.

Right middle center.

She felt similarly about Dinosaur but had already conquered her fears so put up less of a fuss about it.

Still screamed though. Middle, second from left. 

That's all I really wanted to add to the Disney post that was already written. 

Bar Application Submitted

I had to borrow ten dollars from Sara, find a public notary to notarize on two separate pages (I'm certain there is rampant fraud of people who just want to take the bar exam so badly that they are willing to steal identities in order to do it), go to the post office twice, have North Carolina send me my complete driving record, send requests to two separate offices at William and Mary, prepare five friends for the future harassment of bar officials seeking confirmation that I am a person who will not single-handedly wreck the integrity of the justice system, describe in detail everywhere I have lived in the past ten years, and photocopy the double sided sections (but ONLY the double sided sections!) of the application packet, but I have officially mailed in my application to take the bar exam in Maryland.

If I was a good boy and did absolutely everything right without forgetting to sign my name on page fifty-three or something like that, then I will be rewarded by the generous invitation to sit for two days taking an extended test that will cover nothing that I have actually learned in law school. If I pass that test, then around twelve weeks later I will be graciously allowed to join the illustrious ranks of a profession that, in the eyes of a vast majority of the public, is best known by its complete lack of integrity and general competence.

But I'm going to Disney World on Sunday, so today was a good day.

On Things That Refuse to Die

The past month has been excellent. There was a trip down to NC for the weekend, there was House of Cards, there was a fun second-round interview in Baltimore, there was much theater, there was much mock trial, and there were many snow days. The more interesting of these things are covered in Kelsey's blog.

I feel that I have a duty to continue reporting on the status of my ear on this blog, though, because some day the story will have some sort of ending. That day is not today. 

On February 11th, I got the go-ahead from my ENT to get another audiogram. I was not hopeful about it, since I didn't notice much of a change in my hearing from before the surgery. Of course, this entire issue arose because I didn't notice ANYTHING about my hearing before this past summer, so "things I notice" isn't exactly the most trustworthy of tests. 

So, just to recap: in August (and presumably from then until December 31st), the hearing in my left ear was fine but the hearing in my right ear was strangely not-fine.

Left ear- fine. Right ear- not fine. 

The numbers on the Y axis reflect how much louder a sound had to be (at each frequency represented on the X axis) for me to be able to hear it like a normal person. You can see it varies from 20 decibels (a whisper-volume louder) to 40 decibels (something between a whisper-volume and a normal conversation-volume louder). I failed my hearing test for the Navy due to the little circle under 2K that sits at 40. Every other number was okay. 

So, let's compare these results to the numbers that I got back from my appointment yesterday:

Left ear- still normal. Right ear- the high frequencies remained the same and the low frequencies took a crash. The takeaway from this is that my right-ear hearing is now back in the "normal" range and is no longer considered "mild hearing loss." I was surprised, but I'll go along with it.

So, theoretically, if I took the hearing test now for the Navy, I would pass. That said, they would have to LET me retake the test and possibly give me a waiver (the thing that they are not fond of giving me) for the surgery that I had, depending on how you categorize it. Given how the process has played out so far, I am not getting my hopes up. Part of me even hoped that I would fail my audiology exam yesterday so that I would have closure on the issue. But that did not happen, and that is the story of how my Navy JAG quest continues to stubbornly refuse to die.

Anecdotes

I had an interview this past Friday for a prosecutorial position Baltimore. I enjoyed taking the MARC train up, and I was very pleased to discover that Baltimore had a free bus system that ran past Penn Station and went to exactly where I needed to go. Given the weather conditions, this was ideal.

On the bus, one of the other riders stated to no one in particular: "I'm trying to get to (location). Does anyone know what's the next bus I need to catch?" I have not seen this happen in D.C.

Then another rider responded: "Oh yes, I'm going out that direction myself, I'll show you the stop." I have also not seen this happen in D.C. I looked around the rest of the bus to see if anyone else was displaying any sort of sign that this interaction was unusual. I saw nothing. I decided that Baltimore was a generally friendlier place than D.C. and that I would relate this specific anecdote in my meeting if asked why I wanted to work in Baltimore.

After a few minutes, I was at my stop and got off the bus. I started walking towards the appropriate building where I would be having my interview. A woman behind me started screaming that someone had stolen her purse. I turned around to see someone run into the alley being pursued by two presumably helpful Baltimorians. Since it was more of a mixed anecdote, I decided not to tell that particular story during my interview.

The interview itself went well, though it was very different from any other interview that I have ever had. Apparently in prosecutor's offices they actually care whether or not you know the law and aren't content to talk about music or TV shows for the duration of the interview. I'm okay with that. I have a second round interview in a couple of weeks, so at least a couple of my answers must have been legally sound.

On Friday night Kels and I went to the Tempest cast party at Josh/Steph/Dan's place. Steph made ALL the food, as usual, including some new blue mousse stuff made with white chocolate that was excellent. We then played Two Rooms and a Boom, which is a card-game variant on mafia.

On Saturday night we went into Alexandria to celebrate David and Shannan's engagement at Tim's place. I spent most of that evening heckling David, because that's just what we do. Then we watched Hangover II, which was relevant because David and Shannan are going to have one of their weddings (it's complicated) in Thailand.

On Sunday I helped judge a college mock trial tournament. My co-judge was a guy who had been practicing in New York for the past twenty years and he liked to talk a lot, so I was the Teller to his Penn. The college students were a lot better at a lot of mock trial than me, but I was a lot better at pretending I was better at mock trial than they were so they listened to what I said.

Next week is the GGSS performance of The Tempest, directed by Ben and Sara and starring Josh and Dan and Justine and Xander and many of our other favorite people. Also, we have been invited to a party this Sunday for some sort of sporting event. And food. I'm in for the food.

Snow Day!

This week I will end up going to only one class due to snow and MLK day. I am okay with this and I used a majority of the free time between Friday and today to go about the very useful and important work of playing board games with friends and eating.

Today, though, I decided to be somewhat useful to my future self and start the bar application process. For various reasons, including the fact that all of my interviews (including one this Friday) tend to be there, I have decided to take the Maryland bar. I have spent the past several hours listing every address where I have ever lived, ever. In the "reasons for moving" column I have put down "school" in almost every single entry. I'm glad knowing that I lived on Monroe Hall in 2005 is so terribly important to the bar examination committee. Next up: every credit card account number that I have ever held. Should be fun!

In more exciting news, Kels and I will be going to a party this coming weekend to celebrate my old roommate, David Husband, who has just gotten engaged to his girlfriend Shannan. I got to know them as a couple pretty well while David and I were living together a couple of summers ago, and I'm very happy for them both.

The First of the Last, or the Last of the First

I keep confusing myself as to whether this is the first week of my last semester of classes, or the last semester when I will have a first week of classes. Either way, while I was thinking of it the milestone passed.

Last Friday, at the end of my courtroom technology class, we were able to go to the judge's court and play with all of his technology. It was very impressive.

Since he is a federal judge, he gets the nice stuff.

This week I started my three classes that I have for the rest of the semester. Two of the three were chosen 100% based on the reputation of the professor, and if the first sessions have shown anything it is that choosing classes based on professor reputation continues to be the best way to pick discretionary classes.

First I have Complex Litigation, which is all about large multi-plaintiff lawsuits. Not as boring as it sounds, AND there are a few really important class action cases going in front of the Supreme Court this semester, so we get to learn it as it happens.

After Complex Litigation, I have my Supreme Court Seminar. This was my top choice class and will basically let me geek out about current term Supreme Court cases and get credit for it. Everyone in the class is responsible for understanding pretty much all of the cases, but we each get one case that we are responsible for. By "responsible for" I mean that we are in charge of prepping the judges at a moot court where the lawyer who will be arguing the case in front of the Supreme Court will test out his or her argument. My case is about whether police officers should have something called "qualified immunity" (can't be sued so long as they aren't violating clearly established law) if they shoot a suspect to end a high-speed chase. Should be fun!

Finally I have Decedents' Estates, which is basically a class about how terrible things will happen to you if you don't have a plan in place regarding your healthcare and property. Also it explains how nowadays is the best time in the past two hundred years to die if you want to create a Downton Abbey-esque estate that will last forever and be completely immune to federal taxes. Hooray for the aristocratic renaissance.

I went up to Gaithersburg today to help out my little adoptive mock trial team there, and it was so much fun to teach a little again. The kids were so smart and eager- they have no idea what they're doing but they are doing it as hard as they can, which is everything that you want from first-timers. When I demonstrated how you could frame facts differently depending on what you want a jury or judge to think they looked at me like I had just done an amazing magic trick. I'll be helping them out over the next two months as they compete in four rounds against other high schools. That's a lot of rounds, so they'll be experts by then.

I think that's everything new that's going on. The ear is healing well- it'll take a month for it to "settle" and so until then it will (hypothetically) slowly improve in hearing every day while making weird popping noises that only I can hear. I can already hear close to what I could before the surgery, so that's good. And one last thing- this past weekend was Kels's and my second anniversary! I'm sure that you can't believe she has put up with me for so long. I certainly can't, but I'm very glad she has.

We Get It, Law is Theater

I'm taking a one-week one-credit course this week, mostly so I can take an underload of credits for the rest of this semester so that I have more time for mock trial things. On that front, I have volunteered to help a random school's mock trial team in Maryland, I have volunteered to teach a street law mock trial team every other Friday, and my own mock trial team will be competing in Puerto Rico this April. I feel like the trial director, who is very considerate, put me on the Puerto Rico trip as compensation for sending me to Detroit last semester. Another fun fact about the Puerto Rico competition is that I was able to get Palmer, my Woodberry friend who is the reason I currently attend GULC and who has been a public defender in Miami for the past two years, to be the coach for our team.

Anyway, this week one course is about how to use technology in a courtroom: computers, trial software, transcription software, monitors, remote witnesses, etc.... Beyond simply describing the technology, it goes into how to use it without getting an objection slam-dunked on you every two seconds. As with most law classes related to trial practice, every single piece of information would be equally useful in a theatrical context.

Examples:

• Tailor your presentation for the jury/audience that you have.
• Always give the jury/audience something to look at.
• Allow the jury/audience to come away feeling like they haven't been manipulated by you, but definitely manipulate them as much as possible.
• Everything you do will make the jury/audience like you more or less, so make sure that everything you do is calculated to make them like you more.
• You must make your presentation work for both the critics/judges and the jury/audience, but if you can only win over one group, pick the jury/audience.
• Don't be flashy or use fancy technical things just because you can, only use what you need to tell a clear and compelling story.
• Don't let your witnesses/actors go up unprepared. 
• For defense attorneys: Always leave them wanting more (evidence).

If I ever have the opportunity to pick some sort of assistant/technical operator for trials, I'm just going to hire a tech director.

My Ear is Still Attached

Shortly before Christmas (which was great, but I'll post about that later) I found out that my second waiver request to the Navy was denied. They are super serious about making sure their lawyers can hear a pin dropping on a bed of pillows, because having a lawyer who just understands speech isn't good enough. So I scheduled myself an ear surgery, because when one door closes-but-not-quite-all-the-way I tend to jam my foot in the tiny opening and ram myself against it until it opens or I break something. Half-closed doors bother me intensely.

I purposefully told as few people as possible because I don't especially like people taking care of me. It's a problem I have. There was also no guarantee that it would work, or that even if it did work that it would work well enough for the Navy. Ever since I found out I had a hearing issue in my right ear, though, I have noticed it due to some sort of awareness-bias that I didn't have before, so I also wanted to get this done just so that it would stop annoying me.

Anyway, I showed up at the hospital yesterday at 8AM for my 10AM surgery. Davia and Noah were nice enough to drive me. I forced Kelsey to go to the cabin in the woods New Years celebration with some of our friends because I was not going to let her skip her vacation to take care of me. Everyone at the hospital was very nice, but things were going rather slow. This was probably because they kept confusing me with other Johnsons, as there were three of us there for surgery that day. As good as Georgetown's doctors are, their scheduling and general-awareness department has some room for improvement. After convincing them that I did not need either brain or foot surgery, I found my appropriate loading bay and sat there with an IV in my arm for what seemed like an hour or two.

I met with my anesthesiologist, my anesthesiologist's student apprentice (teaching hospital), my attending surgeon, my attending surgeon's student apprentice, my nurse, my other nurse, my third nurse, and finally my actual doctor. Apparently they had all seen the letter that my doctor had sent to the Navy as part of one of my attempts to get a waiver, and so I had the same conversation with all of them:

Doctor/Nurse: "So they still wouldn't let you in?"

Me: "No."

Doctor/Nurse: "But your hearing isn't actually bad."

Me: "I know."

Doctor/Nurse: "But you would just be doing lawyer things for them."

Me: "... I know."

Doctor/Nurse: "I don't get it."

Me: "I know."

Which is all to say that they were all very sympathetic and on my side and they all wanted this surgery to fix me up. I think that they enjoyed having a patient who wasn't in any pain at all and who didn't have any other problems- allergies, prior surgeries, medical conditions- that would make their jobs more difficult.

Anyway, my doctor knew the deal and promised to attack my ear as conservatively as possible once he figured out what was wrong. There were three options going in:

1. I had otosclerosis (a bone growth in my ear was throwing off my ear bones- very bad)
2. I had ossicular fixation (a bone got stuck somehow - less bad)
3. I had an ossicular discontinuity (two bones weren't touching - also less bad)

They hit my IV with the knockout drugs and I was gone within twenty seconds. Good job, Duke anesthesiologist. I think the last thing I said was "I appreciate that you all are doing this on New Year's Eve," which isn't the worst last thing that one can say before passing out and being in the complete control of a roomful of people with sharp instruments. When I woke up I had some mild pain in my ear, of course, and some soreness in my throat from the breathing tube that they had inserted and then taken out after the surgery.

The first thing that my doctor told me was that he had never seen what he saw in my ear. Ever. This is a guy who was referred to as "overqualified" to perform this surgery by another ENT because he had done more ear operations than you could count. So, you know, not the most comforting thing to hear. What happened was that my stapes and my incus were disconnected because they very top of my stapes had broken off... somehow. We don't understand how I was hearing anything at all beyond the possibility that one heroic fiber stretching between my stapes and incus was holding it all together. This was fixed by cementing my incus and stapes back together, sort of like an arts and crafts project. The great news about this is that the cement is the same composition as my bones and so I have no graft or prosthetic or anything like that in my ear- just extra bone connecting the bones.

I won't know whether or not it worked for another 30 days, and it all depends how the ear heals itself back together since we're dealing with such minor changes in hearing level. If it doesn't work, they can take out my stapes and replace it with titanium, but I would rather they not do that for obvious reasons. Regardless, now I can know that I did everything I possibly could to do the job that I have wanted to do for the past two years, and if it doesn't work out I can walk away from it in peace.

More good news- they were able to get at the problem through my ear canal and didn't have to cut my ear off and then sew it back on (that was an option and yet another reason I didn't tell many people about this). 

After my surgery Noah and Davia came to pick me up and made me soup and helped me fill out my prescription for the fun kind of painkillers that make you feel irrationally invincible. Then they drove me to Josh's, where I had a laid back New Year's Eve with a bunch of people who just let me eat until I got tired, which is exactly what I needed. Then Dan and Christina drove me home. I'm feeling much better today and have stopped taking painkillers for the time being. Yay!

Boston, Thanksgiving, JoshuAID II

Well, it has been an eventful couple of weeks.

This post must begin with a debrief of the Boston trip that was much touted by Emily Goo- I mean me, of course- in my last post. I personally enjoy flying, so I had a blast on the plane with Ben and Kelsey on the way up. Kelsey was not such a huge fan of the flying, but she was a trooper and only insinuated that she was probably going to die three or four times during our hour-long flight. 

We had a layover in Newark and I had some passes to Club United that I gave to Kelsey and Ben while I worked on a paper in the airport Starbucks. While working on my paper I inadvertently played with Natalie Portman's child while completely failing to realize that Natalie Portman was sitting next to me at Starbucks. I slowly put the pieces together after she left with her family but by that time it was too late. Kelsey was upset that I did not alert her to come stargazing. I was impressed with Ms. Portman's ability to go incognito as someone who looks vaguely like Natalie Portman but oh-wait-she's-wearing-mom-jeans-so-she-couldn't-be. 

When we arrived in Boston Kelsey immediately fell in love with our taxi driver's accent and forgot all about the joys of small commuter propeller-planes. Goo's apartment building was beautiful and had an amazing view of the Boston skyline, and once we got there (at 2AM) she provided us with hot spiced cider and cannoli. 

In the morning Kels and I went into Boston to meet up with Brandon, Luke, and Mary for lunch near Harvard. I hadn't seen any of them in a long time, but they were my rocks of competence and authority during the run of Tragedy! in NYC. We reminisced, Kelsey interrupted me far too many times while I was trying to tell the story of how we met (replacing it with revisionist history), and we experienced the best malted chocolate shake that I have ever consumed (I write consumed because I am not sure whether one eats or drinks a milkshake, nor do I care enough to find out). A delightful time was had by all.

Afterwards, we went to Kendall Square to visit with Auntie Deb and Uncle Bob. We drank tea, talked about networking, and compared dark chocolate. How very Bostonian of us?

Then it was off to Goo's to get dressed for The Hunger Games. Goo is sort of into The Hunger Games, in the way that circles are sort of into being round, and so she got costumes for all of us to wear. Since I was Caesar Flickerman when we did a Goo-written stage play of The Hunger Games last year (or two years ago, I forget), I obviously got to play that role again. Kelsey went all out as Effie Trinket, Josh was Haymitch, and Ben was Peeta. Jeff and Sara were nice enough to just go to the Hunger Games when it was Jeff's birthday and their anniversary, so they were not required to wear costumes (though Sara did have a wig). Goo was a perfect Katniss, as always. People were taking pictures with her in the theater.

Watching The Mikado with Emily's mom as Katisha

The next day we went to Emily's childhood hometown and snooped around her childhood home and ate Chinese food from her childhood Chinese food place. Now we are officially her real friends. After that we went to see her mother as Katisha in The Mikado! Ms. Gouillart's interpretation of the role was much more vulnerable and empathetic than Emily's dragon-lady performance from last year, but one could still very clearly see that the two actresses were closely related. After the performance Goo rushed us to the airport and we made our flight without any problem. 

Something like three days later, it was time for Thanksgiving break. Kelsey and I hopped in the car and drove down to Warrenton, Virginia to have thanksgiving with her family. I got to hang out with her sister's boyfriend and new baby, and had a very relaxing time. 

I also got to hang out with Kelsey's step-sister's daughters. I tried to teach her about rocketry and crypto-currencies but she just wanted to play board games. Kids these days.

On the way back from Thanksgiving we met up with my mom and sister for lunch!

The next day, Saturday, was JoshuAid 2. You may recall that Josh moved last year....

Remember?

Well, Josh is a jerk so he moved again. 

Thanks, Josh.

He also moved to the third floor of a building with no elevator, so we had to bucket-brigade much of the stuff.

An excellent concept, but probably just as tiring as taking things up one at a time.

Josh is now moved in, and I have one week until exams. I had my last day interning at the superior court today, and I went to sit in on a pro se (defendant defends himself) murder trial. Things did not seem to be going well for the defendant, especially after he asked the arresting officer to point out footage of the defendant throwing a punch and the officer simply pointed at a screen, hit play, and said "there" as the defendant threw a punch in full view of a security camera. Rule #1 of cross-examination: never ask a question if you aren't 100% sure of the answer.

Normal Post Reflecting on Cabaret. Certainly Not a Guest Post from Emily Goo.

[but if it were a guest post from Emily Goo, I would say as always that, to my most assuredly great future remorse, I have not edited it in the least]

 Hi again everyone. It's me again, your friend Mike Johnson. I am definitely taking the time to sit down and write this blog post again. In no way have I outsourced this responsibility to my dear friend and past guest blogger Emily Goo, who, while we're on the subject, is literally the coolest person who has ever existed in the whole of human history. Don't you agree? Of course you do. It is proven. It is meant.

 So, since I, Mike, am writing this post, and definitely not Emily Goo, paragon of greatness, I will totally write a few more details about this past show week with perfect knowledge and recall, because after all, it was I, Mike, who lived through those things, so of course I would know exactly what I got up to all week. It was like this, you see:

 SUNDAY:
On Sunday, I probably slept in kind of late, unless Kelsey woke me up and encouraged me to go for a run, which I did so that I could smile at all the jealous-looking guys passing by who were staring at Kelsey and then stop for just a moment to whisper "That's right. She's with me." In the evening, I can only assume that I went to a cue-to-cue or tech rehearsal of some kind for Cabaret. It is very safe to assume that I effectively sang about pineapples, and made two endearingly awkward dance errors, for such is my aw-shucks charm that keeps my friends' mothers all across this nation asking their children, "How is your friend Mike? He is just such a lovely guy. Send him my best."

MONDAY:
I probably went to class, because I am responsible, but with a slight glaze in my eyes because show week sleep deprivation was already creeping in. I definitely wielded a few overenthusiastic GChats from Emily Goo, who, in case I failed to mention before, is the absolute cat's pajamas and whose formidable intellect is rivaled only by her razor-sharp wit. Maybe I dozed off a little bit in class, but when the professor called on me, I of course knew exactly what to say because I'm Mike Johnson. I always can at least sound like I know what I'm doing, gentle reader. Never forget this. In the evening, I went to our first dress rehearsal and probably did the costume parade, at which I debuted my comical hairpiece, mustache, and old-German-dude suit replete with sweater vest and garish bow tie. Through the wizardry of costume designer...

(please hold while I definitely don't have to check the program, because I'm Mike Johnson after all, I'm in the show, so why would I need to confirm the costume designer?)

 ...Liz Ennis, the affable WASPy Mike you've come to know and love so well was transformed into an elderly Jew from the past. It is a safe bet that at some point, Justine McClain, my stage fiancée, spanked me without warning and shockingly hard. This likely occurred right after our tender love ballad about tropical fruit. Justine McClain suffers from a rare affliction known as Compulsive SlapAss. An educational video about this condition can be found here.

TUESDAY:
I definitely did some more stuff on Tuesday! Class probably? Maybe worked at the library? Fed Rupert, the cat, who once joined forces with our house's upstairs cat to torment Emily Goo while she was stuck alone in my house in an incident she still has not recovered from (freaking cat)? Then in the evening was the final dress rehearsal! I am sure I exchanged some snarky, manly words with my friend Dan Snow. I am sure I gave a big hug to my beloved friend Abigail "Absi" Fine, who is finally in DC and who I'm privileged to share a stage with again. (I'm pretty sure, being Mike Johnson and having lived my own life, that Absi and I have been onstage before. My friend Emily Goo might not be 100% sure of that. But that's irrelevant, because Emily Goo is definitely not writing this post.) I am sure my adrenaline was very high as I watched the show come together to perfection. I am sure I felt slightly uncomfortable when I went to kiss Kelsey backstage, because I was dressed as a grinning lonely old man and she was dressed as a young sultry temptress and the effect was beyond lecherous. But whatever, you try turning down the chance to make out with Kelsey. Fortunately, I am Mike Johnson, so I don't ever have to do that!

 Wednesday:

OPENING NIGHT! There was a day that happened before opening night, so I probably did some law stuff -- you know, tort reform, some kind of litigation, mock trials and such things? Whatever. It was OPENING NIGHT.

While I was disappointed that my friend Emily Goo was not able to come for opening night, it is the consensus of pretty much everyone that the performance was a stunning success. I definitely want to give you a lot of details about the performance, because after all, I'm Mike Johnson and I was there! I am qualified to do that! So wait right here, I'll be right back to get you those firsthand details of opening night. Wait a minute, what's this in my pocket? Oh look! It's Dr. Who's Sonic Screwdriver! BOOM! Oh, hey, you're back. What were we talking about, you ask? I had just finished giving you alll the details about Wednesday night's performance! Then we went to The Goat for the opening night party, because we always do that! I am sure someone sang some karaoke and at least one person got ridiculously drunk! Some people had french fries. The mood was high and nobody wanted to go to bed and have this triumphant night end.

Thursday:
SECOND NIGHT OF CABARET! Nearly as importantly, Emily Goo arrived in DC that afternoon. My mother and maternal grandmother were coming to the show and invited me to join them for a quick drink before call. Obviously, when I arrived, I found my mother, maternal grandmother, sitting at a table sipping cocktails and laughing with...Emily Goo. Obviously. Because parents love Emily Goo and Emily Goo loves parents. Especially my mom. And...well...I think she's got all my grandparents wrapped up too. I gave Goo a hug, posed for a silly picture with her, and off I went to call.

Token picture of me & Goo. 

It is safe to assume that my cherished friend and unofficial housemate Sara Collins assisted me in putting on my old man makeup, and anytime I asked a clarifying question, she told me that "I was the worst" and pushed my face.

I did an absolutely wonderful job on Thursday night. I know this because Emily Goo screeched with delight like some kind of rabid forest creature anytime I said or did anything impressive or funny. I was particularly effective during Justine's and my infamous pineapple song, at which point Emily Goo could be heard from the audience yelping "Is that a PINEAPPLE? WHY IS THERE A PINEAPPLE?" I played it cool and did not break character, not even when Emily Goo loudly yelled an expletive during the dramatic reveal of Josh's character's swastika insignia. I am an excellent actor.

Seriously, though, my performance was poignant, soulful, funny, and virtually flawless. I was the most endearing old Jewish man you've ever imagined and sometimes I made audience members tear up. Definitely not Emily Goo. She was probably just cutting onions. Emily Goo does not cry; she is too mighty.

After the show and receiving my enthusiastic tackle from Emily Goo, we adjourned to Josh's house for an epic post-show party. Highlights include:
- Xander screwing up the Christmas light display and leaving it in a sorry heap on the floor. HE HAD ONE JOB.
- Josh demonstrating his uncomfortably sensual lip dub to "Maybe This Time."
- Watching Emily Goo's face fall when she learned that her Internet best friend and, if you ask some gullible people (HI, AMY RENO!), her cousin Michael van Maele was perfect in every way except for being a vegan. Don't worry, the relationship was saved.

FRIDAY:
I joined Emily Goo, Sara, Jeff, Justine, Davia and Noah for lunch at Wiseguy Pizza where I fraped her with too much sriracha sauce on her pizza and watched as the contents of her already impaired sinuses (she was getting over some kind of walking pneumonia death thing) emptied out onto the sidewalk of Washington DC. Then I went back to work because I am boring even though the rest of them all hung out for several more hours and missed me terribly.

Friday night was far and away our best performance of Cabaret. The energy was high, everyone seemed totally lost in their characters, all the fancy effects went off without a hitch, and the music -- both orchestra- and vocalist-wise -- was impeccable. Emily Goo could be seen in the second row convulsing with joy. This may just be because she had a great view up the Kit Kat Girls' skirts, though. Very difficult to tell.

After that performance, we went to a wonderful and always-uberclassy party at Dania and Bogo's house. This was officially the formal party, but frankly, any party at Dania and Bogo's house is a formal party, because the two of them are JUST THAT CLASSY. The party featured gobs of delicious food and drink, beautifully dressed people everywhere you turned, whimsical and improbable social situations, and Ben's friend Mike Ottaviano, who Emily Goo was strangely confrontational to. I'm sure there's an explanation. She doesn't want to talk about it. It was a great time.

SATURDAY:

My paternal grandparents came to town! We had lunch at the Argonaut, I think? Yeah, the Argonaut. It was great to see them.

Saturday's performance went fantastically. I am sure I experienced many emotions as I sang each song and performed each scene for the last time. I am sure I contemplated how much I would miss drunkenly rambling about schnapps to my dear friend Josh Litten. I am sure I thought about how I never expected to feel so emotionally attached to a pineapple.

The cast party was in Gewirz 12, as ever, also known as Emily Goo's former unofficial residence on the GULC campus. (As to the allegations that she has slept in G12 more than five times, I challenge you to prove anything.) I got my tech prize for serving on the following crew. Please talk amongst yourselves while I stretch my arms out. I'm definitely not reaching for the program again to see what crew I am on.

Set! Obviously. I am great at sets. And I did a great job with the Cabaret one, by the way, under the supervision of my crew head, roommate, landlord, and close friend Jeff Asjes. I think Jeff probably gave me a piece of the set that said something in cursive? I totally remember, because I'm me and I experienced it.

SUNDAY:
The next day was strike, during which I probably pulled apart and destroyed lots of things I worked very hard to create without complaining, and then probably dinner at Five Guys because tradition, and with that, one of GG&SS' best shows in the past 3 years -- if not the best -- was over. Emily Goo was gone by then, but left a legacy of greatness and gratitude for her devotion in attending 3 out of the 4 performances and matching, if not exceeding, her genuine enthusiasm on each subsequent night.

This week and weekend, I'll probably sleep as much as possible, except for a "low-key gathering" of about 50 people that's being arranged for this Friday involving peppermint schnapps and chocolate. 

Next weekend, Kelsey, Josh, Sara, Jeff, Ben and I all fly to Boston to visit Emily Goo's swanky new place for the first time, see her mother in The Mikado, tour her childhood home, and of course, go to the premiere of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire in full costume. Because THAT is how respectable adults behave.

So in short: Cabaret was awesome, I am definitely Mike Johnson and not Emily Goo, and I discourage follow-up questions on the identity of this post's author. YAY CABARET!

CABARET

When Kelsey and I started dating, she insisted that, while she appreciated my love of theater, she:

1. was not a theater person
2. was not going to become a theater person, and
3. would never be in a show.

This is Kelsey from last week:

And here

 And here

I believe she even suggested getting hoisted into the air.

I am very proud of her for having jumped in, completely voluntarily, to the world of theater. It is a scary place, especially for someone who has never done anything remotely similar, but she was so comfortable that no one would have ever known this was her debut performance. 

The show itself was one of the best that I have been a part of, from an acting standpoint. The entire cast was great and contained a good mixture of both old and new friends. I also enjoyed that my character got to shake hands and give fruit to everyone. 

Justine was a delightful counterpart to my old man, and Xander and Elizabeth were two of the most talented 1Ls we could have wished for.

Italian oranges. Delicious.

Pineapple. Delicious.

Shaking hands with Josh, my dear friend for eight years now while Absi, another dear friend for eight years, chats in the background.

Shaking hands is almost as fun as giving out fruit.

It was wonderful, as always, to have family and friends come see the show. My family, Kelsey's family, my co-workers, Kelsey's co-workers, our friends from college, our friends from DC, etc.... all made sure that we had someone to specifically perform for each night. 

After strike, the entire cast started making plans to hang out with each other, because apparently eight weeks of rehearsal wasn't enough. Sometimes theater is like that.