We're Not Leaving Until at Least One of us is Dead

So I went to Atlantic City this weekend with Ben, Davia, and Emily Goo.  We planned this trip back in early January.  The planning process went like this (as with all my transcriptions of conversations that happened months ago, this is entirely apocryphal, but it is what I remember to be true):

Emily: "After R&G is over, we should do a roadtrip.  I have always wanted to visit Williamsburg.  Let's go there and visit Kelsey."

Me: "Great idea!  But she has a conference that weekend and won't be there."

Emily: "Oh..."

Me: "Well we're still free that weekend, right?  Let's just go somewhere anyway."

Emily: "Where?"

Me: "Just point somewhere on the map.  Disneyworld?"

Emily: "Too far. Atlantic City?"

And that's how that happened.  None of us had ever been there and Cioffi (Goo's car) needed an inaugural journey.  Also I figured after weeks of flipping coins that only came up heads, my luck would be pretty good.

We left on Friday, after having spent a delightful Thursday night Beertrekking at Josh's place.  It may have been the best Beertrek ever.  This is now a Thursday night tradition.  We then sat in traffic for a while, because it is DC.  We listened to the entirety of Bat Boy: the Musical because that's the kind of thing we do.  I also read a fascinating book about North Korea. (Link goes to book.  Note that on Amazon it has 246 reviews, 240 of which are either 4 or 5 stars.  Because it is very well written and it deserves 4 or 5 stars.  Out of curiosity I took a look at the single one star review which starts with "First of all, I didn't read this book." and then proceeds to explain why it deserves one star because it is probably just a Western propaganda piece.  For those of you unfamiliar with internet terminology, this is a textbook example of what we might call "Trolling."  This is when you purposefully say something that you know will infuriate other people on the internet.  The comments on this "review" are also hilarious.)    

A few minutes after I offered to take over the driving shift (Cioffi driving Cioffi) a torrential downpour began.  Which, you know, figures.  Every time I said the words "I've driven in worse" the rain fell a little harder just to see if I would say it again.  Eventually I got to: "I've PROBABLY driven in worse, but I'm not sure," and it evened out a bit.  Since I am typing this, you can assume that we survived.

We made it to Caesar's Palace around 5:15 PM, at which point we walked into an indoor land of magic and whimsy where it was always dusk and there was no reason to care how hard it was raining outside.  We checked into our room, I accidentally blew up a bottle of tonic water (like I do), and we dressed up and went to dinner at the Atlantic Grill.  We had a server who reminded us somewhat of Tommy Wiseau in that he behaved in a such a bizarre manner that we couldn't help but love him.

Donald: "You know what you guys want?  A cosmopolitan.  They are delicious tonight."

Emily: "I'm not so much of a sweet drink person."

Donald: "I can have them make the cosmopolitan less sweet."

Emily: "No, thank you...."

Donald: "Are you sure?"

Emily: "How about a manhattan."

Donald (dejected): "Okay..."

He also immediately assumed that we were two couples on a fancy couple date.  At one point he said this following (and this is not apocryphal, this is exactly what he said):

"It's so wonderful when you see a man, and a woman.... and a man, and a woman... and I am their assistant."

Indeed he was.  It is a shame we didn't get a picture with him.

We did get a picture with Caesar, though.  And Cleopatra.

I didn't inquire as to whether he was supposed to be Julius Caesar (I was afraid of the answer- all of the other statues around the casino were of Augustus but Augustus and Cleopatra would make no sense.  Hi, I'm a nerd and something like that would actually bother me, which is a really stupid thing to think of in an Atlantic City Casino).  

As we left the restaurant that first night, Donald come over and leaned down conspiratorially.

"Guys- I'm going to leave you with just one thing.  I want you to remember this.  It. Was. Meant."

Thanks, Donald.  We'll never forget you.

Nor will we forget the delightfully large poker chip in the lobby.

We hit the casino and everyone played a bit of slots.  I used to be entirely against slots, but then one time in Montreal I was at a casino with this girl who had never been gambling before.  I, the wise gambler (I was 19), told her that slots were the worst thing you could possibly do.  Terrible odds.  She said she understood that but still wanted to play just once, just for fun.  I said fine and then watched knowingly as she squandered her five dollars.  On her last hit, she won $250.  Incredulous, I put a dollar into the machine next to hers.  I won $50.  So yes, slot machines are a terrible bet... but that's not really the point of them, is it?

Which is all just an apologetic for why I immediately lost $10 on slots.  Ben won $20.  Of course he did.  Once we were done with our mandatory "we're here and we've played some casino games" thing, we went upstairs and went to sleep because we were tired.  Emily was especially tired.  This evening represented the first time that I saw belligerently tired Goo.  I think it's her way of wearing herself out before bed, since she is naturally just a fireball of energy.  She would tell the story differently, I'm sure.

Among the things yelled at me before she tired herself out:

"I need it! [a cough drop] I have a sore throat!  You're going to ruin my life!" 

"I'm going to call your mom and tell her you're fired from my life."

"I'm storming into the bathroom in a rage.  IN A RAGE!"

"Who's electric toothbrush is in the bathroom? [It was mine.] I was staring at it.  The electric toothbrush.  The whole time.  Just furious."  

Davia and Ben laughed the whole time, as they were not the focus of her arbitrary ire.  I was also laughing, which probably resulted in more verbal barrages.

Saturday morning, I woke up to Emily hitting me, but this time because she was sick and needed help.  I got her ice and medicine for what was apparently a short-lived stomach bug.  Karma?  

Davia and Ben and I watched "Tangled" while waiting for Goo to stop dying in the corner.  Good movie!  Davia cried on my shirt.  Not because Goo was in pain.  Because of the Disney movie.

Goo recovers surprisingly quickly and no hospital visit is required.  Great success.  

We pose in front of Caesar Augustus.  The time is dusk.  As always.

We went to the exactly-how-you-would-expect-it-to-be Trump Casino, which was next door.  They had $1 blackjack.  Or rather, $1.25 blackjack, because there was a 25 cent dealer fee for every hand.  After a bit I came out exactly even.  And Ben was up a few bucks.  Again.  Davia watched.  Another rousing success.   Then we got hotdogs and ice cream and watched the water fountain show.  Not quite as impressive as the one in Vegas, but still pretty good.  

Less than an hour later, Davia wins $75 playing penny slots on her first machine of the night.  I finally get up a bit on slots and then make the silly decision to play Texas Holdem.  Emily and I both go in.  I sat next to a guy with an NYPD hat who proceeded to slaughter everyone at the table with every hand, including me (I lost with pocket kings- lady luck was not with me).  I lose all my slot winnings.  Goo wins exactly what I lost.  I calculate that, given the number of free drinks I was brought, I can rationalize my losses as having paid $12.50 each for two gin and tonics.  Worth it.

Ben had a moot court argument on Sunday morning, so he had to leave on a bus at 1AM.  We left Caesar's and went to the Wild West Casino to wait with him.  

And take goofy pictures.

We also got a ton of wings (it was a wild-west themed casino, so of course there was a giant wings station) and many kinds of sauce.  Good 1AM food.  After Ben left we played Settlers of Catan.  I should mention that, as we left the casino the next day, the bellhop saw the game and said "I hope that was for a drinking game."  We lied and said it was.  It was not.  It's just a good game.  Emily tried to cheat and the game ended during a scuffle that resulted in the game board being knocked off kilter, but that, again, is a story that I imagine she would tell differently.

The next morning we went out to get breakfast and ran into the worst drug dealer in the world.  He called out to us from across the street.  "I got these great buds, man!"  We resist the urge to tell him that there was a flaw in his brilliant marketing strategy (I especially wanted to stop and say- "everything you are doing is both reasonable suspicion AND probable cause.") and went on our way.  On our way back we saw him hanging around what appeared to be a twenty year old white girl who was on the phone with her friend asking about prices.  I'm sure that exchange ended well.

We had a delicious brunch at a Mexican place where we were the only ones speaking English.  A good find.  Then we went back to Trump (can't get enough of all that red decor) and I moved on to roulette.  I allowed Davia and Emily to select my numbers, and I came out $12 up.  Then I lost it on the slot machines, because I can't resist the slot machines.  Even though they're bad bets.  I end the weekend basically even.  Davia finished up some amount, as did Goo.  I'm not sure of Ben's tally.  I'm sure it would upset me.  But it wouldn't surprise me, because it's Ben.  

An epic weekend surrounded by wonderful friends!