Sunday, July 29, 2012

"That's Life"

I'm back in DC after a whirlwind tour of North Carolina and Virginia. It was great to see the family and  introduce Kelsey to some of the best things about NC. Even the people at the DMV were super friendly- which was good, because Kelsey was probably tired of driving everywhere and it is nice to have a license again. 

After arriving back on Friday we met up with Absi, who is back in town for a little while! It was so good to see her and introduce her to some of the people that I have met in DC. Everyone seemed to get along well. Apparently I've been talking up Absi a lot over the course of the year because when we walked into the Frozen Yogurt place where Davia, Jeff, Noah, and Sara had congregated, Davia immediately rushed to Absi and gave her a hug while introducing herself. 

The next evening Steph and Micah invited us out to their place (we cooked for them earlier in the summer and had a really nice time).  On top of being a joint cooking machine, we got to experience Micah's incredible bartending abilities (crafting any drink made up of more than three ingredients is indicative of incredible bartending abilities, I think). After dinner, Kelsey and I took the metro back into the city in order to go see a midnight movie. Of course, there is only one movie that is worth seeing at midnight...

THE ROOM.

I still am unable to put into words how great it was to meet Tommy Wiseau AND Greg Sestero AGAIN. It was even MORE fun, though, to watch my friends meet them for the first time. I primed them all (except for Josh, and I hope he writes a blog about his experience in The Room) with forced viewings of The Room throughout the year, so they knew what to expect. I think Kelsey almost passed out from joy when she saw Tommy for the first time. He complimented her on her red dress and signed her shoe. He also played football with Jeff. 

During the question and answer session, someone asked Greg about Goo's favorite scene (she was in some northeastern state and not in DC so could not be there). In the scene, Greg's character, Mark, knocks another character into a garbage can for no apparent reason. As to why his character would do such a thing, Greg replied: "That's life." ("That's life" being one of the many nonsensical things that Tommy's character says in the movie.) I was further convinced that Tommy is living in a perpetual acting exercise and is fooling us all. I detailed this suspicion in an earlier post.

On Sunday I went over to Jeff's new house to help with the remodeling efforts. I ended up getting to destroy a wall with a hammer. It was awesome. 

This is the view of my room from what used to be a storage closet next to my room.

And this is three minutes later. My hammer of destruction is on the ground.

This week I go back into the office as a part time employee and I start gearing up for the school year.



Friday, July 20, 2012

The People on the Bus

Depending on my mood, one of my favorite or least favorite parts of the day is the commute to and from work. I'm rarely ambivalent towards the ride, because I am either happy to have the chance to read and listen to music or annoyed that I have to keep reading or listening to music. I finished a couple of books over the summer on my way to internship and am currently in the middle of Slaughterhouse Five, which I thought was going to confuse me but actually is a very engaging story.

Today I did my last commute as an intern. When I come back to the office, I will be a "part time employee." They may even give me my own e-mail address. I'm much more excited about the e-mail address than the getting paid part, which may say something about my priorities.  As part of my "last day," a couple of my coworkers took me out to a hibachi place for lunch. I forgot how fun hibachi could be.

The other day I met up again with John McAfee, who I have not seen in a very long time. He had done the lighting for a show at the Capital Fringe Festival- the festival that Usher was in a few years ago. It was a modern day retelling of the myth of Ganymedes (sp?), which, despite my reasonably good knowledge of ancient mythology, I had not heard before. Probably because, in itself, it isn't a terribly interesting myth. The play was good, though.

Currently I am on another train down to Williamsburg and from Williamsburg will be going to North Carolina. The plan is that I will get a new drivers license, but I've got to say that my preferred mode of transportation nowadays is definitely trains.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Trolling as PR

I'll write a normal how-my-day-went post later, but I had to post about this because I am just so delighted by what I see as a new and subtle shift in the world of online social media.

When people become so cynical that normal commercials stop working, companies turn to social media. Quite often social media campaigns will also fail miserably, because the internet is full of people even more cynical than those who watch TV. See, for example, the campaign to send Pittbull to America's Favorite Walmart (and ended up sending him to a remote Alaskan town with a total population 1/20th the number of "likes" their Walmart received). I always wondered what the next step would be, after social media advertising failed. It turns out, the answer is obvious: use the cynicism of the internet against it. In short: troll them.

First, let me direct your attention to a brilliant and gutsy internet hoax that relied precisely on the internet's finely tuned sense of justice. You may have seen Shell's "social media failure" at http://arcticready.com/social/gallery, where Shell had encouraged people to design a new advertisement for their arctic expansion using their "Let's Go" slogan. Thousands of people posted advertisements with slogans such as: "You Can't Run Your SUV on 'Cute,'" and "Pave the Whales." My personal favorite, "We Still Haven't Noticed We're Being Trolled," is I think the most brilliant example here. Brilliant because it is not, in fact, a Shell website that people are looking at when they scroll through the gallery. What appeared to be an act of complete corporate incompetence is in fact a well orchestrated parody. Go check- most of the links pop up with a redirect message:

Temporary Site Maintenance

Our corporate website is momentarily offline while we add new features as part of our new Let's Go! Arctic campaign. Please check back later.


In the meantime, explore our new Arctic Ready campaign. You will be redirected in five seconds...

Checking this would be simple enough to do, but people will generally go along with something if it comports with their worldview- and that doesn't mean that environmentalist hippies went for this and conservatives saw right through it- it means that the site didn't give off any warning flags and the "campaign" didn't seem like anything all that out of the ordinary for a company to be doing- after all, it was the internet that was "trolling" the company. And that's the brilliance of it- why would anyone question it since it was so obvious and easy to explain what was going on? 


New plan, then- find a way to direct the wrath of the entire internet on your enemies by making the internet think that your enemies are trying to be cool.


Downside- parody is only protected under the law (typically) if a reasonable person would "get" the joke. I don't believe Shell is planning on suing the people who made the site (because it would make them look bad and would probably be spun as Shell suing the people who posted the hilarious arctic advertisements), but other companies might- and then we'll have some interesting lawsuits. 


This is also of interest and related.




Sunday, July 15, 2012

In Which I Am Humbled by Choreographed Workouts

I'm on the train from Williamsburg back up to DC (if you get the right tickets it's cheaper than driving- not that I could drive anyway because my license expired on my birthday- AND they have free wifi) after another great weekend. As per usual we ran on DOG street and got frozen yogurt (by now I have learned to avoid the places where they scoop the toppings for you because the real draw of frozen yogurt is the toppings and I need to have complete control over that).  We also went to see Ted, which was much better than I imagined it would be. Patrick Stewart narrating "as you know, there is nothing in the world more powerful than the magic of a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter." is pretty much all you need to know about the entire tone of the movie.

Today I agreed to go with Kelsey to her group fitness class, thinking that it would be like every group fitness thing I've ever seen on TV- you know, step up on a thing, step down from the thing, throw a couple of air punches, high five each other for being awesome- that sort of thing. My mistake.

This was a new class with a new rotation of exercises, and so what I got to go to was the special session where all of the trainers at the gym practice teaching the class to the other trainers. Well, the other trainers and me. Despite my reasonable attempts at running every now and then, I have not exactly "lifted weights" in a while. And as it turns out, that's exactly what this class was. Ten songs. One heavy barbell. It was probably not a great sign for my general fitness that I thought I was going to pass out after the first song, which had been helpfully explained to me as the "warmup."

A couple of times, we were allowed to put the barbells down. This was so we could do pushups or something else even less pleasant that made me want to pick up the barbell again. It was an exercise well crafted with negative conditioning.

After an hour that felt like a year, it was over. I managed to say thank you and goodbye to the instructor before hobbling over to Kelsey's office in the fitness center, where I sat silently for about fifteen minutes. Not because I did not want to talk or because I was angry, but because I could not talk.

Kels tried to make me feel better afterwards by telling me that she had seen football players cry while doing that class before. It did not make me feel better. This is all to say that I have decided that, in addition to my running, I am going to get back into working out so that I may one day be able to work out near my girlfriend without appearing foolish.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Independence Day (the movie, which we watched the day after)

I spent another wonderful weekend in Williamsburg. Kelsey and I went to the farmer's market where we bought goat cheese and tomatoes, went to the frozen yogurt place where we got frozen yogurt, went to Trader Joe's where we got lots MORE food.... I'm starting to sense a trend.

We also watched Independence Day, which continues to be the best Fourth of July holiday movie ever made. I learned that they are doing an Independence Day 2 as well as a 3-D re-release of the original next year. I will be there for that.

Saturday night we got a redbox movie. I saw one that had Jason Segal and one of the guys from The Office in it and figured it would be a pretty funny one. Kels looked at me and said "I don't think that movie is what you think it is. Do you want to get another one just in case?" Predictably, this only fortified my resolve that I could indeed judge a movie by its cover and was, in fact, the best movie-I've-never-heard-of analyzer on the face of the earth. "I am certain that this is a hilarious movie. How could it not be?" I said.

Three seconds into the movie, as the bubbly bells-and-synthesizer that is now mandatory in all deep and reflective artsy films revved up, I realized just how wrong I was. To her credit, Kelsey never said the words "I told you so." She did, however, say something along the lines of "do you want to go get a second movie now?" I did not.

So far this week at work has been pretty quiet. I got to start reviewing materials for the a certain  book project that we are working on and in doing so developed a personal vendetta against the book's "electronic support materials." It wasn't off to a good start when I saw that the support materials were spread out over three "CD-roms" (their words, not mine) that were compatible with both Windows and "Macintosh" (again, their words). I am sure that I startled the entire office when I started loudly laughing after I inserted the first of these "CD-roms" into my macbook and was told, apologetically, that the CDs only functioned on "Power PC systems." Power PCs were discontinued in 2006. Also, across the three "CD-roms" I saw that they had something less than 100 megabytes of information. Any CD fits 600 megabytes at least, so I was confused.

When I finally got the program to load on the office computer, I was greeted by some state of the art circa 1999 graphics and the ability to click slowly loading links whose only function was to launch large PDF files and go to a certain page in the file. That was the resource package. The "electronic support materials." In my evaluation of the materials I wrote my supervisor a wildly inappropriate-for-actual-business e-mail that ended with the phrase "destroy these CDs with extreme prejudice." Luckily, I have excellent co-workers who like me when I am being a techno-elitist. We had a conference call today and one of the first things that we were told on the call was that they were replacing the CDs with online resources done by a completely different vendor, so I'm going to take that as their having anticipated my complaint.

Last night I got some good tex-mex with Davia, Josh, and Sara. Then we went to Goo's to watch The Tudors. It was a magical experience as always; there are no bad evenings with that group of people.




Friday, July 6, 2012

High Score Wins, Right?

DC has been quite warm the past few weeks- temperatures in the hundreds and all. So it was a good time to do more walking than I ever have before, right? At least I was walking to fun things.

1: Davia's Murder Mystery 1940's Birthday Party (the second of her parties). Davia was the murderer- of course. 


Though Jeff certainly tried to convince us otherwise...

I mean, he had a sword...

And having a sword is basically a blank check to take pictures like this with everyone at the party.

So that was last Saturday night. On Wednesday I had the day off work for the Fourth of July, so Kels came up and we went to the opening day of the National Building Museum's indoor miniature golf course. Each hole was designed by a different architect and constructed by a different group, and some of them were a little... artsy?

This one was pretty straightforward but very colorful.

This one was called "Guaranteed Hole-in-One"

This was much more difficult than it looks.

Some of them were sort of vague as to where you were supposed to start.

Others were just physically impossible.

At leasts the architects enjoyed themselves.

Afterwards we walked back to Foggy Bottom (from Judiciary Square- it's quite a hike). On the way back we stopped at the fountain outside the National Gallery to put our feet in for a few minutes. (Absi, remember when we did that around this time last year?) 

The next day (Thursday) I took a half-day at work so that I could go see Jeff's new house. It is on North Carolina Avenue NW, near Goo and Davia and Sara (it is also near several of the schools that I may be teaching at through my clinic next year). If all goes according to plan, I should be living there with him once my lease runs out in Foggy Bottom at the end of August. I have claimed the basement area. I took pictures!

This is the basement from the bottom of the stairs. There will be plenty of room for a bed and a desk.

The same spot, rotated 90 degrees left. 
There is a bathroom beyond that doorway, as well as a laundry area and a separate entrance.

This is the closet for now, but it may change before I move in.

Now that we have a house, I have started my campaign to get Jeff to let me build the project codenamed "Defcon Fun." I'm in Williamsburg for the weekend, but will be back in DC on Sunday!

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Thoughts on the Health Care Ruling


In the moments leading up to the Supreme Court’s healthcare announcement, the internet did its duty in posting hilariously prescient pictures of a sword-wielding character from Game of Thrones captioned: Brace Yourselves, Everyone On Facebook is About to Become a Constitutional Scholar.

To prepare for the ruling I made a bet with Tyler Brown several months ago. If you aren’t familiar with my bets with Tyler Brown, here’s how they work: whenever a major event is about to happen and it could conceivably go either way, I allow Tyler to decide which side he would like to take and then bet him a six-pack of craft beer that the opposite is going to happen. He typically selects the side that is deemed by most observers to be the most likely to occur (the government is going to temporarily shut down, a country will leave the EU by February, the ACA mandate will be declared unconstitutional, etc…), and he has somehow managed to lose every time. Regardless of what it means for the country, the ruling today means at the very least that I just won another six-pack of beer and my streak of winning-by-being-contrary continues.

At the risk of being one of the many unnecessary constitutional scholars of the day, let’s get into the actual issues (since I had to read all 190+ pages, I figure I may as well try to explain them). Since my job is to write things so that a high schooler can understand them, that is how I will write this post. I will try to pull out what I think are the most important passages in the main opinion by asking and answering what I think are the most common questions about what happened.  I make no promises as to the accuracy of my analysis.

But first:

Why does the Supreme Court get to be the final arbiter of the Constitution?

Immediately after the ruling came down, Senator Rand Paul (who was then echoed by MANY commentators) said this:

“Just because a couple people on the Supreme Court declare something to be ‘constitutional’ does not make it so. The whole thing remains unconstitutional.”

It would be easy to answer this by just saying: "No." 

The less easy answer to this is Marbury v. Madison, in which the Court inferred the power of judicial review from the structure of the Constitution. The Constitution doesn’t SAY who gets to be the final judge of what is constitutional, but SOMEONE has to be (right?). Since the Constitution is “the supreme law of the land.” (Supremacy Clause) and the Supreme Court gets to hear all cases “arising under this Constitution” (Article III powers) it can be reasonably inferred that the Supreme Court gets the final say relative to the Constitution. Now, there are also people who say that the directive that all officers of the United States take an oath to uphold the Constitution indicates that the power to interpret the Constitution was left up to ALL the branches, but this would result in quite a bit of confusion since, as we see, reasonable people can disagree as to almost every word in the document.

For the past two-hundred years the idea that the Supreme Court is the final word on the Constitution has been basically accepted by everyone. It is true that they are just men and women and do not have some sort of magical Constitution-analyzer that gives them the BEST answer for every constitutional question, but the structure of our government depends on them always having the LAST answer.

Alright, now that we’ve taken care of that, here we go (all subsequent quotations in this post are from the Chief Justice’s opinion):

What does the ruling mean?

Every functional aspect of the health care bill survived. They made it a LITTLE easier for individual states to say no to the Medicaid expansion (which I might address in another post) but everything will basically function as it would have had there not been a constitutional challenge.

So Chief Justice Roberts sided with the liberals?

No, not really. The four traditionally “liberal” justices went along with his analysis because it ended with the preservation of the law, but they completely and vehemently disagreed with almost everything he did to get it there. It goes without saying the four “conservative” justices disagreed as well. This was a 4-4-1 that turned into a grudging 5-4 majority.

So the Federal Government can force us to buy anything now?

No. Chief Justice Roberts wrote that the individual mandate was in fact unconstitutional for Commerce Clause purposes.  As the Chief Justice put it, “[c]onstruing the Commerce Clause to permit Congress to regulate individuals precisely because they are doing nothing would open a new and potentially vast domain to congressional authority.” That is to say- you can’t force people who aren’t doing anything to buy things. Now, there are legitimate constitutional counter-arguments to this in Justice Ginsberg’s concurrence/dissent, but I’m not going to get into any other opinions in this post because that would complicate things further.  

So why is the law constitutional?

The penalty that occurs due to noncompliance with the mandate is a tax, and “[t]he Federal Government may enact a tax on an activity that it cannot authorize, forbid, or otherwise control.” The federal taxing powers are QUITE strong and they can do basically anything they want through taxation. It has been like this for a LONG time so there is little reason to fear some sort of slippery slope and say “oh the Supreme Court has taken away all our liberties and now Congress is going to enact legislation that tells us how many times we can take a breath in a day!” The people on the internet who are saying that are wrong, unless my reading comprehension skills suffered some massive setbacks in the past year.


But if it was a tax why didn’t the Anti-Injunction Act stop the Court from hearing the case in the first place?

Because Congress said it wasn’t a tax.

Wait, so it is a tax AND not a tax at the same time? That sounds silly.

Yes. Okay. Congress went to great lengths to make sure that everyone knew the individual mandate was NOT a tax and that its penalty was NOT a tax. The Anti-Injunction Act (AIA) says that you can’t sue the government for a tax that you haven’t had to pay yet. For the purposes of the AIA, the government gets to decide what is and isn’t a tax because they’re the ones getting sued. If they want to allow for lawsuits early by not calling it a tax, fine. If they want to call it a tax and not be sued until after the first collection, fine. The bottom line is that the Court really doesn’t care and they’re just going to go by whatever label Congress affixes to something for the purposes of when people can sue Congress. There is an inherent assumption, I think, that this will not motivate Congress to call things that are not taxes “taxes” in order to delay lawsuits. I think that makes sense.

For constitutional purposes, though, the mandate penalty functions as a tax.
“It is up to Congress whether to apply the Anti-Injunction Act to any particular statute, so it makes sense to be guided by Congress’s choice of label on that question.  That choice does not, however, control whether an exaction is within Congress’s constitutional power to tax.”

It is long established that the Court SHOULD do whatever they can to construe an act of Congress as being Constitutional. “The question is not whether that is the most natural interpretation of the mandate, but only whether it is a ‘fairly possible’ one. … As we have explained, ‘every reasonable construction must be resorted to, in order to save a statute from unconstitutionality.’” Since the penalty does not directly force a noncompliant person’s hand (as the penalty amount is significantly lower than the cost to obtain insurance) and since it is collected by the IRS on tax forms, it can be said to function as a tax more than as a penalty.

But Obamacare is obviously unconstitutional! It’s like, the worst idea ever! How could the Chief Justice uphold it?!

Look, ultimately there are some pretty convincing arguments in both directions. After reading each opinion you may have a preference as to which one was the most convincing, but I don’t think many careful readers would say that any one of the opinions was absolutely groundless. The Court is composed of nine extraordinarily smart people who are making a tiny fraction of what they could be earning in private practice. The most plausible explanation as to why they would do this (aside from ABSOLUTE POWER) is that they love their country and are each doing their best to interpret the Constitution as best they can. It is a complicated document and parsing out the legal issues is not as simple as deciding what is a good idea or not. In fact, it is pretty clear that Roberts disagrees entirely with the health care law. However, “[i]t is not our job to protect the people from the consequences of their political choices.” 

There is a LOT to say about the Medicaid coercion provision and the other opinions within this decision (to say nothing of the extended discussion around what John Roberts is doing strategically with this decision), but for now I would like to think that I hit most of the things that I have heard being discussed about the mandate portion of the decision.

Finally, this is old but sometimes necessary: